If there is any counterpoint to the stark reality of butch visibility, it is certainly the femme INvisibility.
There is the argument to be made that there are women who have long hair and dress in a more feminine way...and yet are still visible. My dear friend, Homes, pointed out that there is always something a bit "off" in peoples' reactions to her...and she is arguably fairly feminine in her looks. Talking to her for more than a moment might begin to raise questions...but there's nothing definitive. And so...there is the feeling that something is not quite "right" (and really, what the HELL is "right?") with her...and might cause the more bold to question, while the rest just keep their thoughts to themselves...perhaps pulling out a little passive-aggression to diffuse some of the confusion-driven anger that builds up inside them.
But I'm talking about the high femmes...dresses, make-up, complicated hair rituals...lotions and potions and wraps and scrubs...all made out of things like cucumber and chamomile and seaweed. The ones who go out for spa days with their femme girlfriends and alternately bitch and brag about their butch girlfriends. They have to deal every day with masculine attention that they don't look for...and in some cases, loath. From people who know that they are lesbian, they must endure questions about the butches that they date..."if you're going to be with a woman who looks like a man, why don't you just go out with a real man?" And all of this...underneath their cloaks of invisibility.
How exhausting...really.
They're lesbian...and yet, no one knows. So in order to be out...they have to continually come out...all day...every day. I've heard some say that it is so much easier for femmes because they can pass...not get harassed...really? Easier? So picture a femme...she works in an office. One day, as she's sitting in her office on the phone, a new woman walks by...a butch woman. She drops the phone...because this woman has shaken her...and now, what to do? She's not visible...so the butch will have NO idea that she is a potential mate...and as butches, it can be a hard decision to ask a femme out...the consequences of being wrong can be fatal in some cases. So (and for this thought, I have to tip my hat to a beautiful femme librarian I know and love) it is forever up to the femme to make the first move...or to put herself out in some way to let the butch know that she is safe to approach. So she says something one day while walking with the butch woman down the hall at work...something that makes the butch's ears perk up, and they go out on a date...then two...and on. Now...there's a picture on her desk of her and her butch...and a certain man in another department who has been asking her out for a year happens to see this picture. Now there can be scorn...and there can be harassment...and as many other things as a jealous male can come up with. Suddenly it's dangerous for her...because she's a femme, and she's actually coveted by men...there could be danger for her butch, as well...danger everywhere.
So the femme has to fight...all the time...every day...just as much as her butch lover does, but she has to do it all wrapped up in this cloak. All of this...and she still manages to be the safe haven from the world that her butch needs...the buffer to make life livable. This could manage to wear down even the strongest of women.
The only place these two can actually be safe is in the presence of the other...the only time a femme is truly out is when she is walking on the arm of her girlfriend for all the world to see, and it is during this time that they can be most openly attacked...not only by the outside world, but by the community that feels that they play into gender roles and reinforce stereotypes that the mainstream gay culture (when did a "mainstream" gay culture emerge, anyway?) have been fighting for decades to distance themselves from.
Yes, exhausting...all the way around.
But how else to live?
To all of the amazing, resilient, stubborn, fierce, and beautiful femmes of the world...I bow and offer my deepest gratitude.
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