But what I'm actually talking about is that jewel of jewels...poster children of lesbian visibility, the butch.
Butches are everywhere, and we are out...ALL of the time. I've lived in big cities long enough to not be quite as affected as I used to be...almost to the point that I shrug off fear easily, and some days...I wake up with none at all...until the first subtle-or-not sideways glance. I've read lesbian fiction...lesbian non-fiction...volumes that blend the both, and I've run into the term many times over.
Stone.
Descriptive in the extreme, which seems suitable for butches who are living in the extreme...almost without exception, it refers to a sexual "issue." A stone butch is known to be unable to be touched in an intimate setting...due to a variety of abuse taken over time, causing them to build walls that few (if any) women can navigate, or "melt."
I've been thinking about the term lately...and I've discovered that I have spent part of my life stone without ever really claiming the label. And as I've thought, I've realized that there is not a simple definition for this feeling.
I know that I can simply drift away...no walls are necessary for me to stone up. I just...disappear into my own thoughts, memories, feelings...and keep them in. The more another person (even and especially a lover) tries to break into this reverie, the harder I become. There are people who can crack the wall...but I truly have to trust them, and that is the issue to begin with. After so many years of being misunderstood by so many...and appreciated by so few...sometimes abused (physically and verbally...mentally) by those closest to us...trust is hard to come by, and nearly impossible to maintain. This is a version of stone that isn't truly talked about...unless it's two butches discussing it (and we all know how little butches discuss these types of things with ANYone). Only another butch can truly understand that stone doesn't always start with sex...but with the assaults that we go through in our minds and our hearts...and the need to protect those minds and hearts from everyone...even the women who truly love and appreciate us.
I have to admire any femme who takes on our particular set of issues, and all the different forms they can morph into...
Cheers to you, femmes of the world...
4 comments:
I would argue that much of it doesn't even have much at all to do with stone or butch. Some of us are just wired to be naturally what others see as aloof, guarded, cold, stone... We're private, guarded, protective of ourselves. Introverts. Analytical. In our own heads. Many (most?) others are wired exactly the opposite. And so they judge. Misjudge. Misconstrue. Mix up.
Throw any additional 'otherness' in there, and...well...there's a lot of not so mysterious mystery for those who are so inclined to unravel. And those who are not so inclined? Well, they are pretty inconsequental in the long run, no?
It's late. I'm tired. I'm using Opera & it doesn't auto correct, yet it does like to duplicate everything i say. Long way of saying please excuse typos. :*
ith stone or butch. Some of us are just wired to be naturally what others see as aloof, guarded, cold, stone... We're private, guarded, protective of ourselves. Introverts. Analytical. In our own heads. Many (most?) others are wired exactly the opposite. And so they judge. Misjudge. Misconstrue. Mix up.
Throw any additional 'otherness' in there, and...well...there's a lot of not so mysterious mystery for those who are so inclined to unravel. And those who are not so inclined? Well, they are pretty inconsequental in the long run, no?
It's late. I'm tired. I'm using Opera & it doesn't auto correct, yet it does like to duplicate everything i say. Long way of saying please excuse typos. :*
And the duplication continus despite my edirs. *sigh*
And I would listen to your argument and then agree with the part that says some of us ARE wired to appear be just as you said...private, guarded, aloof, cold. You and I both know that those are characteristics of Aquarians... ;) An air sign named after water...which of course is just a tip of the hat to the contradictions that WE are made up of, in my opinion...a Universal snicker, if you will.
However...and I can say this to you because I actually KNOW you...there is a special type of "protective" isolationism that is afforded to women who are masculine looking/acting. We may as well have "I'm a DYKE" tattooed across our foreheads. We are not easily seen as male or female...we are not of an easily definable gender, and this makes people do a double-take. Anything that causes a double-take is going to cause a certain amount of fear...skepticism...and sometimes, rancor...anger...etc. Marked as "different," we fear public restrooms, being pulled over in small towns for no reason, and even things as simple as going out for dinner. Regardless of race or class, we've all been abused in one or many ways...mentally, physically, emotionally. Our eyes are constantly scanning for body language that could seem threatening...situations that could escalate...and ways to escape them if necessary.
To be quite frank, it's EXHAUSTING being a butch. And all the years of stress...of pain...of isolation when even in the midst of people we KNOW love us...turns some of us. That is the stone of which I speak...many more layers than the usual human amount of stressors...our minds can sometimes be the ONLY safe place in world for us.
And then...an Aquarian butch?! I might as well hang up my motorcycle boots and head on home... ;)
And I would agree with you a million times over! Those of us who are wired as you & I describe and happen to be gay (or, even 'just' not straight) yet are physically packaged in what appears to be a straight girl's body have the luxury of 'passing' in many situations - similar to passing as in regard to race (a certain Bette Porter scene comes to mind). And yet it is often passing with a quizzical 'Hmm, I can't quite figure you out, but I'm pretty sure there's something different about you' sense of judgment in the air. Which, of course, leads to conscious, active 'secret otherness' guarding. Stealthy under-the-gaydar flying definitely has it's advantages, yet is exhausting in probably an entirely different way.
Also, funny how much your blog traffic has skyrocketed, and yet we're the only commenters... ;)
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