There have thus far been two completely compelling women in my life. By compelling I mean ridiculously, undeniably, irretrievably...attractive. Not just physically attractive, but moth drawn to an open flame with no thought for their flammable nature...deadly attractive.
Twin flames. Often mistaken or used interchangeably with "soul mates," a twin flame is actually someone that shares many things, including a parallel sort of life path that ultimately leads them to you...you to them. When you meet a twin flame there is an instant knowledge of "I know you...I've known you...where have you been?" There begins an intense and immediate connection...one to last a lifetime...and into the next...coming from the last.
I've been lucky enough to run into two of them...lucky, and cursed. In both cases, the timing has been off...regrettably. I spent a year and a half healing from my last relationship...sifting through feelings, actions, triggers, mistakes...until I came to a place of being fine being with myself for the rest of my life. The Universe obviously decided to test my resolve and my self-knowledge by throwing yet another person who wasn't ready into my line of vision. If I were to describe the situation, I would say, without a doubt...that she is not ready to be in a relationship. She is in the place to have surface relationships...hook-ups...flings...but not a relationship of substance, because she's not able to give that right now. She WANTS it...needs it, actually...stability...faith...trust...REAL...but she cannot handle it without throwing up huge walls in terror and sabotaging good things that are right in front of her, dancing on the palm of her open hand in fact. The thought of someone loving her for HER...not for her looks, or the sex that she can give with abandon...and the pin-up body that goes with it...is not something that she can accept. I understand why...I know how it feels...how she feels...but I cannot tap into it, because right now...she's being selfish...pushing and pulling...transforming her life into what it will be for the next phase.
There was potential for us...huge potential...perhaps in the future, I don't know...I'll run into her on some rain-soaked side street, the wind gently kissing our skin as we meet again...equals this time. Perhaps not. But I know with absolute certainty that THIS is not our time...too many things to be worked out...to many self-truths to face.
The best thing I can say about the situation is that I've learned to recognize it in a shorter period of time than I used to...I've learned to trust my instincts and understand that when I "know" something about someone and their actions and what they're doing that they're not saying...it's as real as the lines stretched across the palm of my hand...and just as deeply permanent.
Back to our regularly scheduled life.
1 comment:
You? I love!
You've been working so hard on yourself, for yourself. Growth is hard, uncomfortable, necessary work. I'm so happy that you've done it, and happiest of all that you recognize all of your hard work & everything that goes with it!
Then again, I'm also happy that Roseanne reruns are on TVLand right now, so take all of that with a grain of salt as needed! ;)
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