Stoned...

Who knows what a stone butch is? If you said a statue of Radclyffe Hall...well...you could be right if we were being literal...and let's just keep that pun for the fun of it...

But what I'm actually talking about is that jewel of jewels...poster children of lesbian visibility, the butch.

Butches are everywhere, and we are out...ALL of the time. I've lived in big cities long enough to not be quite as affected as I used to be...almost to the point that I shrug off fear easily, and some days...I wake up with none at all...until the first subtle-or-not sideways glance. I've read lesbian fiction...lesbian non-fiction...volumes that blend the both, and I've run into the term many times over.

Stone.

Descriptive in the extreme, which seems suitable for butches who are living in the extreme...almost without exception, it refers to a sexual "issue." A stone butch is known to be unable to be touched in an intimate setting...due to a variety of abuse taken over time, causing them to build walls that few (if any) women can navigate, or "melt."

I've been thinking about the term lately...and I've discovered that I have spent part of my life stone without ever really claiming the label. And as I've thought, I've realized that there is not a simple definition for this feeling.

I know that I can simply drift away...no walls are necessary for me to stone up. I just...disappear into my own thoughts, memories, feelings...and keep them in. The more another person (even and especially a lover) tries to break into this reverie, the harder I become. There are people who can crack the wall...but I truly have to trust them, and that is the issue to begin with. After so many years of being misunderstood by so many...and appreciated by so few...sometimes abused (physically and verbally...mentally) by those closest to us...trust is hard to come by, and nearly impossible to maintain. This is a version of stone that isn't truly talked about...unless it's two butches discussing it (and we all know how little butches discuss these types of things with ANYone). Only another butch can truly understand that stone doesn't always start with sex...but with the assaults that we go through in our minds and our hearts...and the need to protect those minds and hearts from everyone...even the women who truly love and appreciate us.

I have to admire any femme who takes on our particular set of issues, and all the different forms they can morph into...

Cheers to you, femmes of the world...

When the strong need strength...

...who is strong for them?

Who cradles the head of Atlas as he holds the world upon his shoulders?

When the one that everyone looks to for leadership...for knowledge...for comfort...for the way through to the safe side of chaos needs to find those things...to whom can they reach?

Where's the solace for the knight in shining armor who wants to lay down her sword for just a moment, because the weight is suddenly too great? Who cares for those who protect them? Where can a pure heart that is full of integrity and honor find a safe haven from the seemingly unending numbers who would demand and damage?

Can there be one who is able to sweep the feet out from under the one who has swept others...who delights the delighter...loves the lover...gives to the giver? Can there be?

Perhaps that is too much to ask for...

...sigh.

If I can...

And if I can make it home tonight
Don't leave it up to me again
To feel fine
And if I can make it home alright
Give me the day or so to rest my mind

But listen baby when you tell me everything's alright
I stay up all night
And baby when you tell me that it's me this time
I don't close my eyes
I sacrifice a little peace of mind

Is love like this, always?
Is love like this, always?

And if I can make it up to you
There's nothing that I won't do
To make it feel brand new
So I'll leave it up to you

Baby when you tell me everything's alright
Well I stay up all night
And baby when you tell me that it's me this time
I don't close my eyes
I sacrifice a little peace of mind

Ooh, love like this
Ooh, love
Ooh, love like this
Ooh, love

Now I'm safe and sound
And true, it was a long road that took me away from you
But it's a long road, and it's longer for you

And baby when you tell me everything's alright
Well I stay up all night
And baby when you tell me that it's me this time
I don't close my eyes
I sacrifice a little peace of mind

So...

...I've been thinking...as I'm wont to do.

There have thus far been two completely compelling women in my life. By compelling I mean ridiculously, undeniably, irretrievably...attractive. Not just physically attractive, but moth drawn to an open flame with no thought for their flammable nature...deadly attractive.

Twin flames. Often mistaken or used interchangeably with "soul mates," a twin flame is actually someone that shares many things, including a parallel sort of life path that ultimately leads them to you...you to them. When you meet a twin flame there is an instant knowledge of "I know you...I've known you...where have you been?" There begins an intense and immediate connection...one to last a lifetime...and into the next...coming from the last.

I've been lucky enough to run into two of them...lucky, and cursed. In both cases, the timing has been off...regrettably. I spent a year and a half healing from my last relationship...sifting through feelings, actions, triggers, mistakes...until I came to a place of being fine being with myself for the rest of my life. The Universe obviously decided to test my resolve and my self-knowledge by throwing yet another person who wasn't ready into my line of vision. If I were to describe the situation, I would say, without a doubt...that she is not ready to be in a relationship. She is in the place to have surface relationships...hook-ups...flings...but not a relationship of substance, because she's not able to give that right now. She WANTS it...needs it, actually...stability...faith...trust...REAL...but she cannot handle it without throwing up huge walls in terror and sabotaging good things that are right in front of her, dancing on the palm of her open hand in fact. The thought of someone loving her for HER...not for her looks, or the sex that she can give with abandon...and the pin-up body that goes with it...is not something that she can accept. I understand why...I know how it feels...how she feels...but I cannot tap into it, because right now...she's being selfish...pushing and pulling...transforming her life into what it will be for the next phase.

There was potential for us...huge potential...perhaps in the future, I don't know...I'll run into her on some rain-soaked side street, the wind gently kissing our skin as we meet again...equals this time. Perhaps not. But I know with absolute certainty that THIS is not our time...too many things to be worked out...to many self-truths to face.

The best thing I can say about the situation is that I've learned to recognize it in a shorter period of time than I used to...I've learned to trust my instincts and understand that when I "know" something about someone and their actions and what they're doing that they're not saying...it's as real as the lines stretched across the palm of my hand...and just as deeply permanent.

Back to our regularly scheduled life.

Let's put this out there...

...because I obviously canNOT be trusted to find this on my own.

AVAILABLE

Brilliant

Thoughtful

Kind

Affectionate

Self-confident

Self-sufficient...but self-confident enough to accept the odd shoulder that is offered to her

Independent

Did I mention AVAILABLE?

Understanding of my need for space and time alone

Appreciative of the arts

Lover of fine dining

Prefers dogs over cats (I know, random...but just go with it)

Open-minded

Able AND ready to commit

Oh...and available...yeah, that would be good.

Ok, any additions?

Just as an aside...

...what the HELL kind of name is Qwikster?!

I think I would demure from subscribing due to the name alone...and to think that somewhere there were people sitting around trying to come up with the perfect name for a Netflix spin-off...obviously drinking many beers...and they settled upon...

Qwikster?

Um...yeah. Fail.

Scenes from a laundromat...

...as it were.

One of the things that nearly kept me from renting my little cottage by the sea was the lack of a washing machine on the premises...but there is a more than charming palm tree in the front, and a breathtaking view of the sunset from the back yard...so I compromised, after all...there's a laundromat just 3 blocks away...not as convenient, but how bad could it possibly be?

Bad.

The laundromat is owned by a mess of a lesbian named Joanne. The first time I went in, hauling my laundry bags butchly over one shoulder, Joanne was right there to great me. A too loud voice boomed, "well, HEY THERE! I was wondering when you were going to come in!" Apparently she had seen me go into the grocery store nearby several times...and why she thought that that meant that I would be by to do laundry is still a mystery to me...because believe me when I tell you, I tried to limit the conversation as politely as I possibly could...every time I went in.

And nearly every time I went in, Joanne would regale me with her tales of 3 beer lunches and staying up late to watch Starsky and Hutch re-runs. She made less than sly comments about the deep green of my eyes, the fit of my jeans...and on one occasion, the variety of my boxer shorts...sigh. The boxer short scene proved to be a little bit over the edge for me, and it occurred to me that there is a whole city (this IS the 8th largest city in the country for crissakes) full of laundromats, that I wasn't tied to this one for any reason other than location, and it was probably time for me to discover my new best place to do laundry. So to yelp I went...and found...

*cue heavenly music*

The Corner Wash. The name alone makes me think of an 80's movie...probably starring Rob Lowe...maybe with a little Ally Sheedy thrown in for color. It's located in a funky neighborhood that is home to a great coffee shop, Lestats...it has free wi-fi (and it's flippin' FAST wi-fi, I clocked it at 10Mbps the first time I went in), is clean, the machines ALL work...and the attendants...friendly, helpful, and none of them lean over me with beer breath to exclaim, "are those Weber GRILLS on your boxer shorts?! Do you wear them to barbeques?!" Such a major win all the way around...

My day today was a little bit stressful, and I was actually looking forward to heading over to my sudsy bit of nirvana on Earth after clocking out for the day...so I rushed over there as soon as I finished...hauled my laundry in in my butchly way (not everything has to change), happily poured in my Tide with a hint of Downy (I'm unnaturally attached to Downy, don't judge) and leaned up against my favorite folding table, surfing the web for the latest bad news about the economy and finally settling in with an episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix to pass the time.

I was still leaning when a woman walked by me...short short hair...camouflage shorts...t-shirt stretched tightly across muscular shoulders...skater shoes...and cologne...something spicy and woodsy...definitely masculine. I wondered briefly what her face looked like...and then went back to the adventures of Mer and Der...yeah, sometimes I'm as much of a girl as no one knows I am. A few minutes later, I realized it was time to put my softener in (you guessed it, Downy) and pulled my earphones out as I started towards the machines. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to find woodsy-smelling woman smiling at me with a pair of green eyes of her own..."that your Jeep out there?" I nearly stuttered...and don't ask me why...something about her...but I recovered, and Nickel...that rogue of rogues came out of some place deep inside me...and I felt her smile that half-smile and cock the eyebrow and out of her mouth came, "it is, do you want to go for a ride...in it?" I was rewarded with a grin..."if I didn't have a girlfriend who would have a thing or two to say about it, I would. I'm Alex." Of course her name was Alex...and of course the hand that I shook was firm but not too firm...and it held mine for 2 seconds longer than was appropriate. And then she was gone in a puff of that delicious smell, hopping into a black Toyota and giving me a glancing smile as she pulled out of the parking lot...

...I needed that.

Thank you to the Universe, The Corner Wash, and Joanne who sent me there...