Change

You know...I've had a fairly ridiculously terrible year. Job problems, woman problems...cheaters, liars, betrayal...seems to have been the theme for the past few years for me. I'm so very very excited to move on to 2011, I can't even describe the emotions when I think about never having to deal with '10 again.

As a side note...I'm going to make some changes this year...so everyone take note. I might change things like my hair, my weight, my habits...you might see me drinking some wine, going out on some dates...and making sure that my life, house, and emotional being are in order.

There, that about covers it...no surprises for anyone.

And bring 2011 the fuck ON.

The best...

There's no real definition for what "the best" is (these are things I think about when I wake at 6 am through a fault of my own...yes, I forgot to draw the shades last night...well, I didn't forget...drinking in the sight of the moonrise was too intoxicating to drop the curtain on it)...is there?

Sure, there are awards and accolades...bleh. I've gotten awards...I've earned A's...I have a medal on my letter jacket from high school (yes, I kept it...I'm frequently too sentimental for my own good) that says I was "the best" tennis player in my division...I worked hard for it, and it felt amazing to sew it on my letter...BUT...

...there were other "bests" that followed me. Expiration on the "best" moniker? One year.

That all leads me to this...the "best" is actually what I think it is. There are people that I pull out my deep reserves of patience for...my extra, super, family-sized amounts of compassion for, etc. My people make me want to be better...pull my mind from myself and spread it all over the souls that my heart considers my family...but who pulls out my "best?"

I was considering it all while sitting on my bed, sipping the very first espresso I've ever made with my little, silver, stove-top espresso machine (and yes, it was glorious), and watching the sky turn from midnight blue to dusky rose...when Ruckus (who considers draping herself over me like a blanket an art form) gently sighed her small, contented, puppy dog sigh and rolled over on her back...blond, silky-haired paws pointed skyward...tail issuing a slight swish...and dropping back off to sleep...safe by my side.

The sweetness of the moment pierced my heart...snatching my breath away...and I realized...to make sure that she never knows a moment of hunger or pain...to be there to give her a soft place place to lay her head and the unconditional love that she showers on me without hesitation...I would do my "best."

For the love of September...

You know, I happened to look at the calendar today...and August is nearly out the door. Praise be (to what or whomever you wish)!

I always think of August as the shrieking banshee of the months...stifling and unrelenting in her withering heat...and a charming trickster in that one always assumes that as she hails from the last third of the summer, she'll somehow be more of an easy-going transition into the much more laid back fall...in THAT, we are wrong...wrong in as many different ways and on as many different levels as we could possibly be. Every year I think that I will get away without hauling out my small, one-room air conditioner...and every year, I'm wrong...and August is the bitch who makes sure that I know it...

But as I said...she's ready to sashay out the front...and in her place...saunters in September.

September is like your favourite aunt coming to visit...you know, the one that smokes Marlboros and stands up to your dad when he tries to tell her she needs to get married? The one who takes you for a drive in her rambling, old Pontiac and then LETS you drive...while she pops open the glove box (who keeps gloves in there anyway?) and pulls out the flask she squirreled away for occasions such as this...yeah, September is that aunt. Warm...sighing...September forces the long days to take a few steps back, and encourages people to sit on their porches in the quiet evenings...to drink in the smell of leaves turning and glory in the sight of fire flies dancing. She's the woman you never wanted to see go...and the one who always comes back with breezes that in the beginning caress you...and towards the end, nip at your neck like a hungry lover...oh yes...

...I love September...

Dear Sarah

Seems you think that the President...you know, the one of The United States of America? The one you and smiling boy couldn't beat in the last election...remember him? Seems you think that it's ok to declare on national television that he doesn't have enough cojones...really? Are you now resorting to not only using vulgarities...but directing them in such a disrespectful manner at OUR president?

Personally, I think that he showed the size of his COURAGE by taking the job in the first place...what sort of man would look at the havoc wreaked by the last administration and think that he could bring us back from the brink? Particularly when faced with the party of "no (solutions)" having enough votes to TRY to block any important piece of legislation he championed? I'll tell you what sort of man...

...one with cajones.

A saying for the ages...

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

What kind of arcane, macho bullshit is that?

My enemies? I want to be as far away from them as possible...wait, I don't HAVE any enemies, except of course, family members...but that's another discussion.

Carry on.

Here's a thought...

...sometimes you need to reinvent yourself in life. Other times you need to finely hone that which you have already created. And sometimes, maybe once or twice...you need to simply give everything up and see what sticks and what doesn't. If what's left is something you can work with...do so...if not...then it's time for the reinvention.

I'm far from perfect...I'll be the first one to admit it. I'm at turns impetuous, impatient, arrogant, and condescending. I try sometimes, to not be...and sometimes, I just give in to the seductive feeling that those types of behaviours bring forth. I don't ever think that I'm being "good" when I do, but that's irrelevant I suppose...because do it, I do. But I can always TRY...somehow, I feel that perhaps this time...I will make it...

I've had a lot of "stuff" in my life lately...actually...I've pretty well seen my whole world flip upside down and inside out until all I want to do is take Ruckus, load her in the car, and drive away. Leave everything here and just go. It's not to say that I haven't felt that way before...but this time...it's different. I think that I'm learning something here...and I'm learning it by thinking...and by talking. I've actually tried to not pull in on myself this time around. I've reached out to my friends for help...advice...shoulders and ears. Whoever started the notion that things like legs and asses and breasts were the greatest parts of human...well, we should most certainly make them part of the trio headed towards the Bermuda Triangle and call it a day...because without a doubt, the most treasured areas in my opinion are the ears into which we tell our pains and aches, triumphs and joys...and the shoulders that help us alternately to bear the burdens and cradle the head.

This is a poem that a dear friend shared with me today...it touched my heart and reminded me that I am myself...not defined by the partner by my side or the logo on the paycheck...but by my own actions, thoughts, and intentions. At any rate...here it is...and a thank you to her...

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

~Derek Walcott~

Vacation Time!

For the Obamas, that is.

Ah, yes...a vacation...hiking, biking, relaxing...spending some time with the wife, the kids, the dog...and no matter how far away he goes...the SCREAMS of the Repubelicans...sigh.

Apparently, Mr. President should NOT be going on a vacation with the oil spilling into the gulf. We'll conveniently forget that the oil has slowed to a trickle now, and will most likely be done leaking altogether before the weekend is out...and let's ALSO forget that Mr. Obama could do nothing more than he has already. I'm unclear as to what they think he should be doing...should he don a wetsuit, dive down miles beneath the surface and stick his finger in it until the relief well is drilled in mid-August? Really?

I would like to pause and point out that the Repubelicans last favourite..."w the merciless," spent over 900 days at either Camp David or at his ranch in Crawford during his two terms. 900. That's just under HALF. Should we ask how many days he spent taking care of Katrina? Um...well...didn't "Brownie" have that covered? Oh! Right! He was too busy flipping through Quarterhorse Magazine...

I never really trusted any politician, and I don't truly trust Obama at this point, either. But I do still believe that his heart is in the right place, and that he is trying like hell to do what's right. It's unfortunate that congress continues to fight like 12 year-olds on the playground, holding up important legislation (hello! Unemployment benefits extension ran out on June 3rd and still hasn't been voted on!) so that they can posture and gain political ground. In some cases, these are peoples LIVES that they're screwing with. I'm talking about people that have to live in their cars now...

And they're bitching about a weekend in Maine? Really?

Actually...

...I don't.

Sigh...Apple...Apple...Apple...

...WHAT is the problem?!

So I get up bright and early today...it's my day off and a much needed one, at that, and I realized that TODAY is the day to pre-order the spiffy new iPhone 4!!!

Let me preface this by saying that I just bought an iPhone 3gs in January, meaning that if I want this hunk of metal and glass that will surely save the Universe from certain destruction, I have to pay *GASP* full price for it! (cue 1960's horror flick theme). The full price is going to be $599 plus tax. Ok, let's also note here that I purchased an iPad recently as well...yes, I'm an Apple girl...and yes, I love my technologically cutting edge products...ok...so we're clear here? I will buy the iPhone 4 at full price and I'll like it.

So I grab my credit card and sit down at the computer, thinking that it'll take 5 minutes, and then Ruckus and I will go for a long, ambling walk while I consider all of the amazing things my new phone will allow me to do in life...

"We are unable to process your request, please try again later."

HUH?! WHA?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!? I'm planning on paying the full retail price, and I can't get on and pre-order the damn thing? I googled my frustration and found that it was echoed by millions of people (ok, maybe not millions, but with Apple, you never really know) all over the WORLD. That's right...the WORLD. Seems that Apple and AT&T (I have a feeling that the "A" theme is significant here, but more on that, later) didn't plan for the VOLUME of people trying to pre-order.

Um. Duh.

I've been doing this iPhone thing since the first one came out...and without exception. ANYtime something major is released, there is a huge wave of demand that crashes over the websites on the first day. This includes major iPhone software updates as well...there are still people smarting from the screams heard from my room as my iPhone sat locked for 4 hours because it couldn't connect to the iTunes store for the update...so WHY WHY WHY do they not get it? I do. For all their careful planning and meticulous detail control...they can't anticipate the VOLUME of people clammering for this slightly-less-shiny-to-me-now miracle of modern technology?

Sigh. Apple...Apple...Apple. I'm just going to shake my head a bit and wonder if you just like being cruel to your ardent worshippers...

What to do...

...what to do.

Sometimes, despite your best intentions, and all the self-knowledge in the world, you end up in exactly the same place from whence you came and know that the only way BACK to the place you were so proud to reach is to go through the same mine field that you traversed once before.

So I'm here...contemplating the mine field as I stare across it's barren landscape, and I wonder...how to NOT get to this place again. Because once I go across again...once I can screw up enough of my courage into a jar to clutch to my heart as I delicately find my way...again...I am NEVER going back. How to do that? Because I must figure that out before I strike out...otherwise...once I get there...all flush with the excitement, happiness, and peace that I KNOW is there for the taking...I'll be feeling so good that I won't notice again when I give my life over to the monster that becomes my primary relationship...I'll do so cheerily...thinking that I'm quite safe. Just like I did...twice before. Can I have learned my lesson this time?

Sigh...please?